Long as I'm with You it Really Don't Matter...

Where has the "Summer" gone?!

I remember the end of the semester like it was yesterday. I still think about Memorial Day weekend and Curwood weekend... I actually find myself recounting the events of every weekend of this season. I'm glad to say this summer, un-summery as it was, has probably been one of my best. I've spent almost three months now with someone who makes me happier than I have been in a long time. I've spent a lot of time in Michigan with great friends and my family and I've gotten to see some of these friends experience some of the greatest days of their lives.

As much as would like to, there is no way I could possibly describe this summer in any more detail. There has been a countdown to every weekend and when it hits zero I am always full of smiles. The non-zero days are usually spent working ad then immediately trying to fall asleep to make time go faster... that is if I can actually fall asleep... there is nothing better, NOTHING, than having someone to sleep next to and I will end with that thought.

I know the distance is a factor...

Let's just get to it here... 

Those phone calls, whether they last 10 minutes or 2 hours, make me smile. The text messages do too. Holding hands makes me smile and hearing him say he's excited for next weekend makes me grin.

"I know the distance is a factor but I stretch as often as I can. My goal is to reach your hands any day now." I Miss You - Maria Mena

Could you move in slow motion everything goes by so fast...

The past two weeks have been AMAZING! 

I got to see my sister graduate from nursing school, see one of my best friends get married to the most amazing guy, sing the same couple a song that made them (and almost me) cry, spend some fun sunny days with my pseudo siblings, and get wrapped back up with a boy who makes me smile.

It's been a good month overall and I'm hoping the next two months go just as well.

Right now, even though I am glowing and grinning from ear to ear, I am feeling a little down... I keep thinking about how exciting it will be to move to Wrigleyville next week with Kristen but then I remember that Ashley will be leaving in a month. I think about how last summer Justin was in Iraq and it just wasn't the same without him and how this summer DJ is being shipped over.  It seems like the good things all have a negative match. 

I am going to miss Ashley more than anything. We've been together for 3 years now and although we've had our ups and downs and disappointments she's been my best friend through this roller coaster called Chicago. 

DJ on the other hand just makes me proud. I never thought he would enlist and I was upset when he did. He's changed a whole lot since that summer on Young St where him, Andrew, Jack, and I hung out like we were squatters staking out territory! He's changed since then but of course he's not changed  much at all. He's still our DJ and he's still raising hell (even if it's only through his thoughts and words) and I'm proud of him. I'm scared for him but I'm optimistic and I will be writing to him and sending him pictures so he'll feel like he never left.

Where have the past 3 years went? How is this my 4th summer out of high school already? Why is everybody getting married and having kids and buying houses? Are we really still growing up or are we already grown?... I'm still growing. I'm happy for my friends who are grown and now I'm making my way there too.

I've run out of complicated theories so now I'm taking back my words...

It was a good weekend.

No.

It was an amazing weekend.

Things are going well at the moment. I'm hoping this can last. 

Somebody called me today. Nobody ever calls me. He did. 

This week has been killer as well. It is moving quickly. I will be back in Michigan tomorrow.

Guitar class was good. 

I played well afterwards at the bar. I also sang along as one of the teachers played a Miley Cyrus song. Nobody else knew the song. Everybody watched me and thought I was hilarious. 

The cute guitar boy smiled. I laughed and thought about somebody else. 

I had ice cream with D and Ellie today. The guy thought I was cool for letting them each get 2 scoops. I had to eat one of Ellie's. 

Birthday cake ice cream is pretty tasty.

Ashley and I went out for dinner and drinks tonight. 

We went to Niu, a Japanese fusion lounge. I ate a sushi roll... with no cooked fish! All raw ingredients!

I ate a piece of eel. It was delicious.

The sushi guys were babes. Asians have funny hair. I have funny hair.

I am too lazy to type a real update. That is where all of these bullet pointish thoughts come from. 

The End?

I'll open up the moon for you, just come down soon...

Easter weekend left me feeling dizzy. 

There was a 3 hour phone call that was so sweet it was actually bittersweet. There was this feeling of hope for another chance at what I had worked so hard on twice before. There was the realization that I never actually got over him. It was when he said he thought I hated him and I should hate him that I decided that you can't hate someone who is holding your heart in their hands.

I came back to Chicago wondering why that phone call couldn't have happened a day or two earlier so we could've had more time to have those awkward clicking feelings...

I waited for a month. I thought about it every day. I hoped with all my heart, I wished on dandelion fuzz, and I wished at 11:11. 

This weekend at home was my chance. I waited to see what would happen. Did he even remember that phone call? Does he think about me? Does he really feel the way I hear he does and does he really say these things that I hear or do I just have a sis who fancies them up to make me feel good?

This weekend was my chance. I have come out of it happy yet incredibly scared. I don't usually use my head. I am very driven by my heart. I have a tendency to skip the talking and go straight for the feeling. I probably should have done some talking this time.

Add and I left the cabin Monday morning. I said ciao and waved not thinking much because hell, I'll be back in 2 weeks (10 days actually). Add and I wanted to hang out Monday night as well and so the idea was thrown out at boys night to maybe include us girls and go see a movie. 

That idea didn't fly but it sure did make me realize that I am an IDIOT...

Can't we go to the movies tomorrow? That's what he said... Krista's leaving tomorrow... Leaving?... Yeah she's going back to Chicago... For how long?! That's what he said...

If it was hard for me to leave for these 10 days before it was heart breaking, earth shattering, full of regret that I as leaving after I heard all of this. I don't have regrets... Or at least I didn't until then. It's not that I assumed he knew I was leaving. It's that I didn't even think about it. Does that reaction from him mean that he's been missing me as much as I've been missing him? 

What if that night at the cabin, that night full of cuddling and being immensely happy, was only that way because I was home. What if those feeling change for him now that he knows I'm not home for good? Can he handle it this time? Can he handle missing me for 3 days a week in June and for a week or 2 in July and August? Can he just love me enough to wait for me to come home once a month throughout the fall?

Does he like me? Does he love me? Does he just like having me to fall back on? I hate even thinking that. I don't want to think that he's anything but real but it's always in the back of my mind. 

Can we try this on more time? I'm willing if he is. I'll always be willing. 

I could never hate you...

because you have my heart...

Let's Hear it for the Boy...

2006 (yr 1) - Mike Compton visited me in Chicago

2008 (yr 2) - John and Gordon visited me in Chicago

2009 (yr 3) - Ward is here with me in Chicago

2009 (yr 3 again!) - Big Brother is planning a weekend visit to Chicago

Thanks boys for visiting me... Girls... where the fuck are you?!

So far this weekend has been a ton of fun with Ward here. We started thing off right last night with dinner at The Cheesecake Factory and took a little stroll down Michigan Ave.  This morning we got some coffee from Istria Cafe across the street and got a nice visit from Mommy, Chanler, Hannah, and Branden (the result of mommys impromptu Chicago trip to drop Rachael at the airport).  After we hung out with them for about an hour we headed downtown again for some Chicago stuffed pizza at Giordano's and delicious cupcakes from Molly's with my Chicago partner in crime Kristen!

Tonight we will continue the Chicago food extravaganza with a trip to Navy Pier for Fireworks, The Blue Line for some alcohol, and then finally an early a.m. trip to Clarke's for some killer diner food and milkshakes! It's going to be a good night with good food and good drinks and we'll be ready for bed and then brunch when it's all over!

Guess who's back, back again...

It's been awhile.  I feel like I start a majority of my entries like that.

The one person who read this blog I'm sure doesn't read it anymore and that's ok. I just need to get some things out from time to time and today is one of those times.

One of my greatest fears, if not thee greatest, is being alone.  Seems like that's coming true.  I have a select group of friends in Michigan who love me more than anything when I'm around but when I'm gone they don't seem to notice. I've ranted and raved on here and my LJ about nobody coming to visit me and how everybody has a boyfriend or girlfriend except for me but this is different.  This is me just letting it out and saying what I'm really feeling.

I'm not against having a boyfriend like a lot of people think. I'm just not very outgoing. I don't strike up conversations with people I don't know and I definitely don't flirt with people who I AM conversing with and feel attracted to.  I'm just scared and shy and apparently not bold enough to change that.  I'm ok being alone and I'm ok that my friends are all dating but it's that everybody is moving on with their lives that bothers me.  I miss my friends. I feel like I'm being replaced by these random guys who they have known for only a few months.  

My mom still talks to her girlfriends from high school and I want to be able to do the same but right now it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. People tell me all the time not to worry about my friends at home because, really what are they doing with their lives? I feel like they are moving on to bigger things when it is actually me who is going to bigger things, only me. Nobody else left home for college. They got jobs and went to college at home for 2 years to get real world Owosso jobs.

The real kicker is that it's not just at home that I am becoming friendless. I have 2 friends in Chicago. One has a tendency to bail on me 90% of the time and she will be gone at the end of the year.  I'm 21 years old and in my 3rd year of college. This is not my time to make friends. I did that freshman year and got shafted so hard I left Chicago. I left college. My outlook on things is just not good right now. I have my good days when I'm content or hanging out with one of the girls here but I also have my bad days when I just want to be remembered by the friends at home who only seem to have my phone number when they are drunk dialing me.

I was watching tv a couple weekends ago when my stepmom called with my niece and talked to me for a bit.  I was sounding very down and my stepmom could tell and so we talked for a while about all of this.  I was starting to cry but I held it in for the most part because I am trying to be tough about it. I am dealing with it. Today, 2 weeks later, I am still feeling terrible, not because I am lonely but because of how much it hurts my family to talk to me and hear how lonely I am. I tell them I'm doing good here and that I am working a lot and doing  lot of homework but the truth is, I only have 2 classes (6 hours a week) and I only work 20 hour a week.  I spend my time alone in my room shoving these feeling deep down so I don't have to make anybody else feel like this.  I deal with things in a way that is probably terrible for me but I'm tough and have done it all before so I know I'll make it out fine.