The one person who read this blog I'm sure doesn't read it anymore and that's ok. I just need to get some things out from time to time and today is one of those times.
One of my greatest fears, if not thee greatest, is being alone. Seems like that's coming true. I have a select group of friends in Michigan who love me more than anything when I'm around but when I'm gone they don't seem to notice. I've ranted and raved on here and my LJ about nobody coming to visit me and how everybody has a boyfriend or girlfriend except for me but this is different. This is me just letting it out and saying what I'm really feeling.
I'm not against having a boyfriend like a lot of people think. I'm just not very outgoing. I don't strike up conversations with people I don't know and I definitely don't flirt with people who I AM conversing with and feel attracted to. I'm just scared and shy and apparently not bold enough to change that. I'm ok being alone and I'm ok that my friends are all dating but it's that everybody is moving on with their lives that bothers me. I miss my friends. I feel like I'm being replaced by these random guys who they have known for only a few months.
My mom still talks to her girlfriends from high school and I want to be able to do the same but right now it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. People tell me all the time not to worry about my friends at home because, really what are they doing with their lives? I feel like they are moving on to bigger things when it is actually me who is going to bigger things, only me. Nobody else left home for college. They got jobs and went to college at home for 2 years to get real world Owosso jobs.
The real kicker is that it's not just at home that I am becoming friendless. I have 2 friends in Chicago. One has a tendency to bail on me 90% of the time and she will be gone at the end of the year. I'm 21 years old and in my 3rd year of college. This is not my time to make friends. I did that freshman year and got shafted so hard I left Chicago. I left college. My outlook on things is just not good right now. I have my good days when I'm content or hanging out with one of the girls here but I also have my bad days when I just want to be remembered by the friends at home who only seem to have my phone number when they are drunk dialing me.
I was watching tv a couple weekends ago when my stepmom called with my niece and talked to me for a bit. I was sounding very down and my stepmom could tell and so we talked for a while about all of this. I was starting to cry but I held it in for the most part because I am trying to be tough about it. I am dealing with it. Today, 2 weeks later, I am still feeling terrible, not because I am lonely but because of how much it hurts my family to talk to me and hear how lonely I am. I tell them I'm doing good here and that I am working a lot and doing lot of homework but the truth is, I only have 2 classes (6 hours a week) and I only work 20 hour a week. I spend my time alone in my room shoving these feeling deep down so I don't have to make anybody else feel like this. I deal with things in a way that is probably terrible for me but I'm tough and have done it all before so I know I'll make it out fine.
