I just keep crying. Everywhere I go, I can't stop. People are starting to stare at my red face and puffy eyes. I just want to pet her but I can't. I can never pet her again.

No song lyrics this time...

I couldn't think of any lyrics to use as a title for this post if that tells you anything.

My love of local music was once unbeatable. After breakups and whatnot these bands have left me somewhat haunted by their music. I hear it and it bothers me. I can't help but to get upset and sometimes cry when I hear it. These songs remind me of the most amazing times of my life and of this music that I was once so in love with. I have basically just given up on local music because the pain when the bands end is sometimes unbearable. I know this sounds ridiculous but it's 100% true. That is why music is my passion. It's the one thing that can completely tear me apart and the one thing that can make me truly happy. 

I cried for a a day or so when Dennis left Arizing and the guitar player who got me so pumped about their music was gone. I cried for a number of days when Arizing broke up completely. And by a number I mean for approximately a week. Straight.  When HPK and Vega ended I didn't cry but there was a pain in my chest that comes back everytime I hear their music.

The only band I have left from my local music days is Auto Pilot. They are still together yes but they have been working on their second album for over 2 years. They posted some stuff on myspace about selling their van and some drum stuff... I decided that it's all over for me and local music. I can't take anymore breakups and I can't wait any longer in hopes of a new album.

I just logged onto myspace to read the message my brother had sent me. I scrolled down the page a bit to look at the funny bulletin titles and there it was... Auto Pilot just posted a bulletin. Two new songs are up on their page, they are still recording, the cd is scheduled to come out in November. I played the first song and was in tears before the vocals even started. My happiness at this moment cannot be measured. 

Their genre on myspace is rock/progressive/alternative. I'm not sure about that. They have the same effect on me as Vega did. The only thing I can say about the music and their shows is that they are extremely emotionally charged. It makes your heart beat and your chest will hurt because of the power of the emotions that it brings out. You literally have to experience it to understand. I can babble all day about it but it will mean nothing to you unless you have been there. Obviously the effect is ridiculously powerful because it is right here with me while I am just thinking about this new album actually being finished.

Wake up you faithless, see your heartbreak gone...

Question: Is it ok that I am volunteering more often than the Chicago Cares Coordinators? 

I spend 5 days a week playing with David and Ellie and trying to teach them about new things and further their knowledge of things they already know about. I signed up to volunteer with Chicago Cares and so far have signed up for crafts at a nursing home every other Sunday and a 2 hour saturday school type of thing at an elementary school every other Saturday. After spending last saturday with 19 really amazing kids I was bored out of my mind on Sunday and wanted another opportunity to volunteer. Today I signed up to fill in my opposite Saturdays writing with 5th-8th graders and I am looking for the opposite Sundays as well.

The feeling I get from volunteering is the same feeling I get after a successful day of learning with David and Ellie.  It's not part of my job to teach and Doug and Lisa don't expect it of me but I like to learn and the kids like to learn... so why not?! Volunteering with the kids on saturday is supposed to make school enjoyable and keep them in school for the long haul. I like knowing that I am making a difference. 

Answer: It is definitely ok to use my free time to make a difference in the lives of others.

And I know it's for me that I'm out on these streets bleeding nightly for these people I meet...

My least favorite feeling, the thing I am most afraid of, the one thing I truly hate... it's all the same. It's the same every time you ask, every time I am killing time answering one of those stupid live journal questionnaires.  I don't like feeling alone. I am afraid of being alone. I truly hate being alone. I am currently... extremely lonely. 

Yes, I have been a bit of a hermit when it comes to dollar burger night and Gossip Girl night but I'm trying to save money and I simply can't make it to these events on time without killing myself to catch the train. All of this is fixable but I'm not the one who needs to do the fixing. I've asked at least 5 times in the time I've been back to Chicago for my friends to come over and hang out. My friends have come... 0 times. I understand that I live 60 blocks away and that they can't just walk to me but it is at most a 20 minute trip to my apartment any other way they come. They don't even have to pay and ride the metra. They can use their u-passes (something that I no longer have the luxury of... $90/semester... I get to pay $75 a month for my bus pass) and bring the fucking bus! I don't think 20 minutes is too much to ask of my friends. 

I've attempted, somewhat, to make some new friends but at this stage in the game it's nearly impossible. I've noticed that all of the upperclassmen/kids in my classes commute to school from the burbs. Apparently most people leave this school in the first couple of years and I am left with all local kids that don't stay anywhere near campus. These kids from the burbs not only live far away, but they are typically living at home and have all of their high school friends, or have been friends with the same group since freshman year and are pretty exclusive. It's basically impossible to make friends at this school when you are an upperclassman and are only taking two classes (neither of which are in your major). 

This isn't just some pity party I'm throwing myself. I'm just really bothered by all of this tonight after a friend gave me the whole, "nothing is going on that I know of but I'm down for anything" followed by, " IDK I'll let you know when I'm finished doing *insert stupid activity here*" after I invited her over to my place to hang out and watch a movie or something. Could you maybe have just manned up and said, "No. I don't want to go to your apartment" ???

So yes now I am sitting here in my apartment listening to music and refreshing my email and facebook and  couple of my favorite blogs just in case something decides to change since the last refresh 0.43 seconds ago.

I need some new friends. I've said it before and I will more than likely say it ten thousand more times.

If you are reading this by some random click of the mouse (which doesn't happen here), live in Chicago, and are 2oish years old leave me a comment so we an be friends. If you are a serial killer just don't tell me. I'm just that desperate.