I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more...

Another classified ad:

Please make me look like this!! Drive, fly, or train to Chicago and party with me please. I like Kings and beer pong (with liquor of course) and just being trashed. Call me k bye!

I'm starting to trip, I'm losing my grip. I'm in this thing alone...

Sorry about that last little rant... Really, I'm sorry.

Fat Girl's Guide to Life: Get Skinny. Nobody likes you the way you are. End of story. 

I sat at the computer for a couple of hours yesterday contemplating a new track for my workout playlist. No joke, I was going to record myself on Garage Band calling myself mean names and just overall making myself feel bad. Nice yeah?

After a rough couple weeks of attending multiple school recitals, having fun and being lazy in The Mitten, playing with David and Ellie, being bored, and having major problems with the whole eating thing or not eating as it actually was, I just need a break! I have obviously been sick of being a fat girl for some many many years now but for some reason the motivation factor doesn't come all that easy for me. I have nobody to workout with and nobody who is willing to go through this whole thing with me. I am doing it all alone and it's hard. I find myself on the computer at crazy hours of the night looking up weight loss solutions, healthy eating stuff, activity calorie counters, and everything else you could think about getting skinny. For the past 2 days I have map-quested all of my destinations and walked everywhere. I then took the distances I walked and the times I walked them in and figured out my speed and the of course the calories I burned in that time. I love math, but that is just too much for me to do multiple times a day just to lose some meat. 

BAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Next step in the quest: Workout twice a day instead of just once, 8 week challenge/support group starting wednesday or sunday, minimal eating even more so than normal. The End. Again.

And a heart in need finds hope in anything...

Easter Weekend in Michigan

Thursday: Arrive in Durand at 9pm, stop for a pizza and shamrock shake at 9:30, get home and 

                   lounge and go to bed 10pm+

Friday: Took Princess for a walk at 12, lounged and bought new shoes at 230ish, Pedicures                       with Mommy 4-6, dinner at Jumbos with Grandma and Kenny 6-7ish, Fire at 735(or                     like 38/39)

Saturday: Mommy made eggs, bacon, and cinnamon rolls for breakfast, went to the airport to 

                  greet Justin at 1:30, Outback for dinner with Add, Jack, Andrew, and Heather at 

                  430ish, hung out with Jack at her parents' house until 10ish and then went to the                           party at the Cross house

Sunday: Church, Dinner at 2, Addy's house at 330, Picked up Grandma at 6:30, Train from 

               Battle Creek to Chicago at 830

Overall the weekend was a ton of fun. I got to go to a bonfire and a house party, get drunk, eat delicious eggs for breakfast, have a killer Easter dinner, and eat Kimmy's sloppy joes all in one weekend! I am bummed that I couldn't stay longer and now I'm really missing home and all of my friends. I miss how things were this summer al relaxed and fun and like we were a big family. It was like that this weekend for all of us and last night and today just for them. Sometimes I get a little sad that I didn't go to a state school where I could just drive home every weekend like Andrew does but then I think that I would never be happy anywhere but where I've been. I've tried the different scenarios and I think I'm doing alright.

It's Just One of Them Days... Don't Take it Personal

I prefer to be drunk and puking somewhere I am familiar with and somewhere with people that I am typically drunk with. I came to the bon fire, I got drunk, I had fun. I didn't beg for a fire, I didn't leave for any reason other than the one previously stated, and I didn't like feeling like it was all put on for me and for me only. I don't deserve to be guilt tripped and made feel like I am ruining everything and leaving you alone. I just didn't deserve it. I needed to leave because of me, not because of you. End of Story. Don't take it personal... and don't try to make me feel bad about it because it will only bother you more. I will simply ignore you until you go away and then I will make my way back to my careless life and forget I felt guilty for even a second. I won't look at you and give you any sort of satisfaction and I surely won't be responding to any drunk messages, or even sober ones, until you can understand it. And stop being so damn sappy please. Don't try to cheer me up and don't try to be all nice to me. Man up and say "Hey what's up" because when I read shit about having a lovely easter or whatnot I feel like I"m reading a fucking play. Be a human sometimes. It's not as bad as you think.

I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it!!!

In 163 days I will be moving into my apartment in Boston!

I am getting sooooo excited to move to Boston. Being here in my bedroom at home in Michigan and seeing all of my "furniture" I am already planning out my bedroom layout! My book case and desk and tv stand and I'll be able to use the badass curtains I had for the studio in Chicago!!! 

Pointless post yes, but I am just that pumped!

And here we go again, with all the things you said...

EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE ARE DEAF!!!!!

Alright, now that I got that out... Here is my Help Wanted Classified Ad!!

Teacher: Deaf woman in her late 30s maybe, gets extremely frustrated when the class doesn't catch on quickly, can't seem to respond to email, no phone contact because she is flipping deaf, can't write/edit a syllabus to save her damn life

Syllabus: Wrong Dates, non-descriptive assignments, assignments listed as due when it should say assigned

Assignments: Labs that have to be done in the ASL lab and take an hour to complete (3 credit course with about 10 hours of work), 10 hours of deaf events, DVD homework from the 20 year old workbook, reading assignments with quizzes that are more detailed than a black woman's acrylics, video assignments posted online, with the reading, that nobody sees because of the detailed quizzes that require doing the reading at the last minute in order to retain any of the information so by then it is too late to get the video done

If you are lacking any or all of these qualities please contact Columbia College and tell them you would like to be an ASL teacher!!! LAME LAME LAME LAME!!!!!!!!!!!!

LAME LAME LAME LAME!!!!!!!

You're an exception to the rule. You're a bonafide rarity...

On Being Happy: 

I've been quite happy lately. I've been having pointless conversations and forgetting about everything else. I do laundry, run the dishwasher, cook for myself, and go to class and work. I go out with friends on occasion. Everything is the same as it normally is except that I'm significantly more happy than normal. I'm daydreaming more often and I'm dancing around with my ipod on the daily. I like this feeling and I like who I am when I feel this way.

Weekends:

My usual weekend lameness has calmed down a bit the past couple weeks. It's been nice just hanging out with Cat or Ashley and going to movies or to the diner or whatnot. Cat and I have found out that we are really good at pre-gaming and dancing around listening to the Jonas Brothers and then hopping on the train to our destination, which is usually the movies and usually a kids movie. Tonight we saw, "College Roadtrip" with Raven and Martin Lawrence. Of course, being the Disney fans (and myself being a hardcore Raven fan)  we thought the movie was amazing! We were the only two people in the theater until about 10 minutes in when a man and his three kids cam in. They didn't laugh. We did. Obnoxiously. Brunch plans with Cat tomorrow and then a nice trip to the Home Depot to visit the Mexicans. Right?!

Things Yahoo Should Feature:

The new phone has finally worked itself out. More like, I work for hours and hours making it work out. I can now wake up to "Stellar" and answer, 'Hello mommy!" when I hear Harry Potter. Phone is good, life is good. I also stopped into this hair place "Hair Cuttery" (yes it's a chain...) to see how much an all over color would cost me. $40!!! YESSSSS! I called my aunt Barb to give her the scoop on the price, the fact that it's a chain, and that they use Redken color, and asked what I should do. She said to go for it! So... fresh paint job next weekend! And that's the news for now!

Easter:

BONFIRE!!! Yes, I am really that happy about a fire. Three exclamation points happy! I am excited to be in Michigan and see my mom and Jack but I am still just mad crazy excited to see those kids that I adore!! I can't wait to drink and have fun and not be so lame on a weekend. I might just be excited enough to give out a few hugs. Yes I said it. Hugs. Have your camera ready because you'll want to remember this!

I leave you with some JB.

That's Just The Way We Roll

I woke up on my roof with my brothers

There's a whale in the pool with my mother

And my dad paints the house different colors

Where would we be, if we couldn't dream?

And I know

We get a little crazy

And I know

We get a little loud

And I know

We're never gonna fake it

We are wild, we are free

We are more than you think

So call us freaks

'but that's just the way we roll

You got moves, I've got shoes, let's go dancing

Pop and lock, battle dance against Hanson

If we lose, all the girls, they'll be laughing

Where would we be, if we couldn't dream?

And I know

We get a little crazy

And I know

We get a little loud

And I know

We're never gonna fake it

We are wild, we are free

We are more than you think

So call us freaks

'but that's just the way we roll

'cause we're old enough to know

We're never letting go

'cause that's just the way we roll

And I know

We get a little crazy

And I know

We get a little loud

And I know

We're never gonna fake it

We are wild, we are free

We are more than you think

So call us freaks

'cause that's just the way we roll

That's just the way we roll

That's just the way we roll

           

It's been a long time coming down this road...

After a LOOOOONG day of shopping yesterday relaxing today was just what I needed. It was in the 40s today so I did some work around my bedroom and just lazed around with i tunes on shuffle and the window open. I hung up all of my new Spring/Summer clothes and wished it was just a little bit warmer and that it was going to stay that way so I could actually wear the killer new blue top that was in my hands. Too bad it's going be chilly for a little longer. 

Easter weekend will be here in 3 weeks and I can't be more excited to go home. I had a nice video chat with my mom a few hours ago after a very very frustrating two days of error reports and broken webcams. I talked to my mom and got to see Harriet and Princess. I challenged my mom to find and catch Gizmo but she, just like anybody else would have been, wasn't up for the extremely difficult task. So, yeah Easter weekend. Easter, family, friends, Michigan. I'm excited to see Jack of course but I am really most excited to see some really cool cats that have been together for quite some time now and even though I only check in from time to time they are always still together and always the same as I remember. I just can't fucking wait!

Oh, oh how could you do it? Oh I, I never saw it coming. Oh, oh I need the ending. So, why can't you stay just long enough to explain?

Reflecting...

I was looking through the bulletins on Myspace, something I rarely do, and after reading through maybe 10 different questionnaires I realized... they all ask about past relationships and their current status. Typically they are answered with things like "My ex was an asshole", "Our relationship ended on good terms", or "We both needed a break and are just friends now". I then though about my answers to all of these types of questions. I've only been technically broken up with once and it was more like an, "I fucked up and since you are away I guess I will stick with my mistake." Same person, second time, just stopped calling and a little bird and some investigation brought it to my knowledge that instead of actually calling and breaking up with me or waiting 2 weeks until I went home to visit he just started a new relationship. Now this question about how things are now with the ex... well my answer is always that there is no relationship with him because there's a point when you are around each other and ignoring it and then there's the point we have always come to where I show up and he leaves and I am somewhere and he makes an excuse not to show up and of course my favorite where I am not even in the state and still most of the drama revolves around us and the fact that some friends are on my side, some are on his, and some are on mine but pretend to be on his because of their friendship.

I just have to laugh a little when I think about all of this. I think it through, get a little upset and wonder what is wrong with me that this has happened over and over, and then I laugh when I realize it has nothing to do with me.

I have i tunes on shuffle and this Paramore song came on:

When It Rains

And when it rains,
On this side of town it touches, everything.
Just say it again and mean it.
We don't miss a thing.
You made yourself a bed
At the bottom of the blackest hole (blackest hole)
And convinced yourself that
It's not the reason you don't see the sun anymore

And oh, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
Oh, oh, I need the ending.
So why can't you stay
Just long enough to explain?

And when it rains,
Will you always find an escape?
Just running away,
From all of the ones who love you,
From everything.
You made yourself a bed
At the bottom of the blackest hole (blackest hole)
And you'll sleep 'til May
And you'll say that you don't want to see the sun anymore

And oh, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
And oh, oh, I need the ending.
So why can't you stay just long enough to explain?

Take your time.
Take my time.

Take these chances to turn it around. (take your time)
Take these chances, we'll make it somehow
And take these chances to turn it around. (take my...)
Just turn it around.

Oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
Oh, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
Oh, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
Oh, oh I need an ending.
So why can't you stay
Just long enough to explain?

You can take your time, take my time. 

I listen to it and think that for the most part it fits. I listen a little closer and take it all in a little deeper and I realize...

I SAW IT COMING ALL ALONG.