This heart it beats, beats for only you... my heart is yours...

I know most people will beg to differ but sometimes I feel like I just give too damn much.  I can't put myself out there for anybody anymore. I can't take the stress and the highs and lows of getting fucked like this. I just can't do it. 

I've been listening to Paramore quite a bit today and not only is it making me think about things that I thought I was totally over but also things that are just starting to get to me. No matter how much I try I can't hate him. I can't stop wishing nothing ever happened and that he was as perfect as I thought. Then, I can't stop thinking that I just keep fucking up. I am lonely, my heart hurts sometimes and I know it's my own fault because I've made it so damn cold but I can't help the fact that I've been fucked a few too many times and I can't seem to forget about things anymore. I was mad at Addy for months after what happened on New Years Eve and tonight when Cat left to hang out with some guy I wasn't mad at all. I was really really sad though. Once again I was ditched for some guy. It just hurt a little differently this time.  

I'm lonely and sad today and then I think about how I am starting to make good friends here and it isn't helping at all. I just keep thinking that I'm leaving them all in a little over a month. I have started making more of a name for myself in the music department and I am leaving. Then I get to looking at how much Berklee is going to cost me and I know I have to have a Summer job. I got a phone call tonight and I was excited because it's money but I just want to be at home for the summer. I want to be with my friends and I want to go camping and swimming and have a fun summer before I leave for good. I just want to be happy. What if I hate it there? What if I never do any singing after I graduate? What if all of this money I have to pay back will have been for nothing? Why is everything hitting me right now like a fucking semi??

I miss my best friends. I miss Mike so much. I miss Sam too even though he is still ignoring me and I've given up on him. I just miss them and I miss that they always make me happy in any situation. I just miss home and I miss the boy I never really had and I miss the winter when I didn't have to think so much about everything. I miss being me...